CHAPTER 39 - MISCELLANEA
From Richard's memoirs, recovered from his original WordPerfect files
This is a catch-all chapter where I have put a variety of expressions. Some are thought provoking and some are humorous. Others are mere trivia. But I think they should not be lost to my posterity. It is also proof that I do have a sense of humor.
The first item can best be appreciated by and Engineer or a Mathematician. I don’t know where it originated but it has been around for a long time.
Three Indian Squaws were admitted to the Maternity Tepee on the Reservation.
Chief Birthright, the Obstetrician, put one of them on a Buffalo hide, another on an Elk hide, and the third on a Hippopotamus hide he’d found somewhere.
The Squaw on the Buffalo hide had a 7 lb. boy. The Squaw on the Elk hide had a 6 lb. boy. But the Squaw on the Hippopotamus hide had twins -- two 6 1/2 lb. boys.
And this just proves the old equation that the sons of the Squaw of the Hippopotamus equal the sons of the Squaws of the other two hides.
From: Bits and Pieces
I’m just a plowhand from Arkansas, but I have learned how to hold a team together. How to lift some men up, how to calm down others, until finally they’ve got one heart-beat together, a team. There’s just three things I’d ever say:
If anything goes bad, I did it.
If anything goes semi-good, then we did it.
If anything goes real good, then you did it.That’s all it takes to get people to win football games for you.
Bear Bryant
A REMINDER - TO BE READ DAILY:
Lord, thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older, and will some day be old.
Keep me from getting talkative, and particularly from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to try to straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all -- but thou knowest Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details -- give me wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains -- they are increasing, and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of others’ pains. Help me to endure them with patience.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.
Help me to extract all possible fun out of life. There are so many funny things around us, and I don’t want to miss any of them.
-- Anonymous
MR. LINCOLN’S GHOST WEPT
(Lines not meant to be memorized)
An anonymous author has written a piece which has been causing a humor-starved Washington to chortle with delight. According to Doris Fleeson, columnist of the N.Y. Post, it is being widely circulated in the White House press room and is in the “public domain.” It is entitled, “The Gettysburg Address As It Would Have Been Written by President Eisenhower.” It is printed below.
I haven’t checked these figures, but 87 years ago, I think it was, a number of individuals organized a governmental setup here in this country. I believe it covered certain Eastern areas, with this idea they were following up based on a sort of national independence arrangement and the program that every individual is just as good as every other individual.
Well, now, of course, we are dealing with this big difference of opinion, civil disturbance, you might say, although I don’t like to appear to take sides or name any individuals, and the point is naturally to check up, by actual experience in the field, see whether any governmental setup with a basis like the one I was mentioning has any validity, whether that dedication you might say by those early individuals has any lasting values.
Well, here we are, you might put it that way, all together at the scene where one of these disturbances between different sides got going. We want to pay our tribute to those loved ones, those departed individuals who made the supreme sacrifice here on the basis of their opinions about how this setup ought to be handled. It is absolutely in order and 100 per cent OK to do this.
But if you look at the overall picture of this, we can’t pay any tribute--we can’t sanctify this area--we can’t hallow, according to whatever individual creeds or faiths or sort of religion outlooks are involved, like I said about this particular area. It was those individuals themselves, including the enlisted men, very brave individuals, who have given this religious character to the area.
The way I see it, the rest of the world will not remember any statements issued here, but it will never forget how these men put their shoulders to the wheel and carried this idea down the fairway.
Our job, the living individuals’ job, here is to pick up the burden and sink the putt they made these big efforts here for. It is our job to get on with the assignment and from these deceased fine individuals to take extra inspiration, you could call it, for the same theories about which they did such a lot.
We have to make up our minds right here and now, as I see it, they didn’t just make a dry run here, that all of us, under God, that is, the God of our choice, shall beef up this idea about freedom and liberty and those kind of arrangements and that government of all individuals, by all individuals and for the individuals shall not pass out of the world picture.
July 1957
Los Angeles: Office of the Chancellor
Alumni and Development Center
June 19, 1970DEANS, DIRECTORS, DEPARTMENT CHAIRMEN,
AND ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICERSAs perhaps many of you may have guessed, during the past few weeks the Alumni and Development Center has been flooded with calls from alumni and other close friends of UCLA asking the simple question, “What on earth is going on at UCLA?”
In response to this question, we have developed the attached direct and forthright statement which has resulted in the instant and total understanding of the simple answer to this question and which has surprising suitability to all questions of a critical or unfavorable nature regarding major issues on the campus.
Seriously, the staff of the UCLA Alumni and Development Center wishes to express deep appreciation and gratitude for the very apparent commitment of members of the faculty, student body and administrative staff to work together in attempting to first comprehend the complexities of these issues and then employ realistic and meaningful participative efforts toward their solution.
The difficulty of the days ahead will most certainly reflect the serious problems facing our nation and our tremendous impotency in overcoming inertia with effective solutions.
Your continued dedication to the role of higher education and in particular UCLA, in developing essential resources and innovative leadership patterns, may well test the limits of your endurance.
To your commitment, we pledge our continued support.
Signed (Don Bowman)
Donald M. Bowman
Executive Director
DMB:mp
(See next page)
A STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLE
(TO BE USED IN EMERGENCIES BY EMBATTLED UNIVERSITY SPOKESMEN)
Like millions of concerned Americans, I too was profoundly moved by recent events of which we all are only too aware. However, I must say in all conscience that there is room in this country for those who were not profoundly moved. This is not to say that I seek to pass judgment, one way or another, on issues that posterity has yet to confront, let alone appraise. But let us admit quite candidly that these indeed are times to stand up and be counted, perhaps even when such action -- taken as a whole if not in part -- might tend to be misunderstood, or understood only too clearly.
Be that as it may, and notwithstanding the many sincere persons who might wish to take issue with me or indeed might wish to agree with me, I feel we can and must face the issues inherent in the challenges before us. Indeed, we must never be side-tracked by ambiguity, just as we must never be tempted by the siren calls of confusion. Such dialogue would betray relevance.
Certainly there are those who will -- more or less -- feel confident in concluding that the issues themselves -- apart from contemporary context -- have been resolved. On the other hand, it would be equally correct to observe that there are always loose ends, so to speak. I do not mean to imply that our society as a whole or even in part is itself at loose ends. To do so at the present critical juncture would be deceptive at least and downright malicious at most. But, between the least and the most is a vast expanse of positions in which some might be tempted to vacillate.
In conclusion -- and I acknowledge that any conclusion must in the last analysis be inconclusive -- I can only say that no matter what others might argue, I cannot and will not retreat from the position or positions I’ve taken. To do so would be the height of folly or wisdom, as the case may be.
Someone once sent me a little green figurine that looks like something from outer space, and the following poem to go with it.
Who does the Engineer tell his troubles to?
I know it’s not me and I don’t think it’s you.
With static pressures and BTUs,
My interest and understanding he soon will lose.Who does the Bishop tell his troubles to?
I know it’s not me and I don’t think it’s you.
Others bring problems for him to relieve,
You or I he would never believe.Now this little man all covered in green,
Exhibits virtues which can easily be seen.
Patience is indicated by hands folded neat,
Stability is shown by the very large feet.The wide eyed interest as shown on his face,
Indicates the confidences in him you can place.
So Dick, give your problems for this guy to solve,
With patience and interest by him they will resolve.
Another one I like:
An Elderly Gentleman passed by his granddaughter’s room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way. “What on earth are you up to?” he asked.
“I’m saying my prayers,” explained the little girl. “But I can’t think of exactly the right words tonight, so I’m just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because he knows what I’m thinking.”
Still another one:
A preppy-looking man was arrested for peddling ‘Fountain of Youth’ pills that promised to reverse the aging process. When he came before the judge, His Honor was outraged at such a scam and asked if the man had a record of prior arrests.
‘Yes, indeed,’ said the prosecutor, referring to her notes. ‘He was arrested for the same offense in 1981, 1965, 1942, 1908, 1873, 1847 ...”
-- Modern Maturity
As printed in Forbes, this is the story told by Frank Koch in Proceedings, the magazine of the Naval Institute:
[ “the ‘two battleships / lighthouse’ story” by Frank Koch, in Proceedings (U.S. Naval Institute), as printed in Forbes appears here in Richard’s manuscript. It is still under copyright and is not reproduced on this page. ]
The following letter came to me anonymously. It was probably from one of my engineering friend with whom I worked through the UCLA Office of Architects & Engineers. He knew I was a Mormon and that I didn’t drink.
TEMPERANCE SOCIETY OF AMERICA
California Division
Los Angeles, CaliforniaPERSONAL
Mr. Dick Clarke
Office of Architects and
Engineers
U.C.L.A.
405 Hilgard Avenue
West Los Angeles, CaliforniaDear Mr. Clarke:
Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the past fourteen years, I have made a tour of the United States and delivered a series of lectures on the evil of drinking.
On these tours I have been accompanied by my young friend and assistant, Herman Forsythe. Herman is a pathetic case, a young man of good family and excellent background whose life was ruined because of excessive indulgence in whiskey, gin and rum, not to mention beer. How much better it would have been had he turned to the Lord.
Herman would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform drooling at the mouth and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, while I would point him out as an example of what drinking will do.
Last summer, unfortunately, poor Herman died. A mutual friend has given me your name, Mr. Clarke, and I wonder if you would care to accompany me on my Fall tour and take poor Herman’s place.
Yours in Faith,
(Signed) Townsend P. Goodhigh
Rev. Townsend P. Goodhigh
TPG/ph
For baseball fans, the following poem was written many years ago. It is a classic and I wouldn’t want it lost; that my posterity would never have the opportunity to enjoy it.
CASEY AT THE BAT
The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine that day;
The score stood four to two with but one inning more to play;
And then, when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.A struggling few got up to go, in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which “springs eternal in the human breast;”
They thought, If only Casey could but get a whack at that,
We’d put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was a cake;
So, upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey’s getting to the bat.But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball,
And when the dust had lifted and men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second, and Flynn a-huggin’ third.Then from five thousand throats and more there rose a lusty yell,
It rumbled through the valley; it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.There was ease in Casey’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey’s bearing and a smile on Casey’s face,
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Casey at the bat.Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then, while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey’s eye, a sneer curled Casey’s lip.And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there,
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped--
“That ain’t my style,” said Casey. “Strike one,” the umpire said.From the benches black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
“Kill him; kill the umpire!” shouted someone from the stand;--
And it’s likely they’d have killed him had not Casey raised his hand.With a smile of Christian charity great Casey’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and one more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, “Strike two.”“Fraud,” cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered “Fraud,”
But one scornful look from Casey, and the multitude was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold; they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn’t let that ball go by again.The sneer is gone from Casey’s lip; his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he let’s it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey’s blow.Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has Struck Out.
* * * * * * * * * * *
There were about 8000 cars in the United States, only ten miles of concrete pavement, few spray cans to destroy the ozone layer. Everyone ate natural foods. The air was relatively unpolluted, and the ground was free of aluminum cans. There were no sugar substitutes and no artificial coloring. We had no atomic waste or PCBs, and our average life expectancy was 47 years. The year was 1900.
Today we are doing everything wrong, and the life expectancy is up to 75 years, and, if we are not careful, it could hit 90.
--William J. McIlrath
Ben E. Lewis, our Regional Representative to the Van Nuys Stake recited the following at one of our Conference sessions. It is something to think about.
[ “THE LITTLE BOY” by Helen E. Buckley appears here in Richard’s manuscript. It is still under copyright and is not reproduced on this page. ]
[ “FOR PIONEERS” by David Lunde appears here in Richard’s manuscript. It is still under copyright and is not reproduced on this page. ]
The most stabilizing influence in my youth was because I knew that ever night at five o’clock Father would come home.
-- Clifford E. Young
TRUTH CAPSULE:
You can have an ex-husband or an ex-wife, but you can rarely have an ex-child.
-- Frank Tyger
Carlton R. Bovell, executive vice chancellor at UCR spoke these words a few years ago when the chancellor of the Riverside Campus of the University of California passed away:
[ “the funeral verses (‘We walk together only briefly’)” by Carlton R. Bovell appears here in Richard’s manuscript. It is still under copyright and is not reproduced on this page. ]
I like the above thoughts. I’ve used them several times when I have spoken at funeral services. I think they bring solace to the souls of those who knew and loved the departed. I think they show love and consideration for the family and, in particular, the spouse if there be one.
[ “WOULD YOU HAVE SIGNED IT?” by Ralph Bradford appears here in Richard’s manuscript. It is still under copyright and is not reproduced on this page. ]
Let thy bowels also be full of charity toward all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.
The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.
Doctrine & Covenants 121: 45-46
Elder Bruce R. McConkie of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints delivered his final testimony at General Conference on 6 April 1985, just thirteen days before he passed away. I quote, in part, from it:
And now, as pertaining to this perfect atonement, wrought by the shedding of the blood of God, I testify that it took place in Gethsemane and at Golgotha; and as pertaining to Jesus Christ, I testify that he is the son of the Living God and was crucified for the sins of the world. He is our Lord, our God, and our King. This I know of myself, independent of any other person. I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way.